Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
