maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
