im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
