this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
