I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
