we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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