he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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