I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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