you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
