I hate your face
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
