dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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