totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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