he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
