I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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