I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
