I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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