it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
