I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
