Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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