a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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