I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
