apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
