Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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