I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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