totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
