Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
