my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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