I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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