I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
