This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
