Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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