ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
