...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
its liver damage thursday
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
