I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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