I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
