well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
