She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
