1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
