I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
