Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
