i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
And then he peed in my hair
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