i just wanna soil my oats bro
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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