so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
