I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Every concussion has its silver lining
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
