Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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