I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Couch. On fire.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
