i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
