Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
