My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
