There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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